Climb Out Of Fear – Find The Helpers

It is very easy for me to go into that dark place.  That dark place where nothing feels right, nothing seems right, nothing looks right, nothing is right.  The thoughts of revenge.  The purest form of hate in my heart.  I reek of anger.  As soon as a tiny amount of that anger subsides, fear takes over.  I can’t leave my house.  This can happen anywhere and at anytime.  There is no way of knowing.  That is what happens when you fill a nation of free will, an Internet full of make-your-own-bombs websites and sick people.  My babies.  They are growing up in a nation where these types of horrific acts are becoming nearly mainstream.  How many more days will pass before we hear on the news, that yet again, another atrocity has occurred?  My babies go to a very small preschool.  Whose to say a shooter won’t walk in there or bombs planted?  The market?  The post office, or is that too cliché?  The fear was so overwhelming that as my husband and two sons wrestled in the family room, I had to walk away and silently sob in another room.  An 8-year-old boy died.  That is my boy who died.  That is our boy who died.  And I’m sorry.  And my heart hurts.  And as that fear dissipates toward utter sadness I am overcome with an all-consuming feeling of terror.  This is only going to get worse, much worse.  And then…

The helpers were the marathoner’s who changed their route and had gone to the nearest hospital to donate blood.  The helpers were the people still able to stand, running toward the explosion, I’m sure knowing full well that another one can go off at any moment, anywhere.  The helpers were the first responders doing what they are trained so well to do.  The helpers were the citizens of Boston opening up their homes to marathoner’s who had nowhere else to go.  Helpers are the people who went to the nearest Red Cross blood donation center on the East coast, West coast and everywhere in between.  The helpers are the people who called to donate money.  The helpers are us.  As long as I keep my intention of love and hope and compassion I am a helper as well.

So that calms me down.  A lot.  And then it starts.  What monster would do this?!  What was the purpose?!  If we ever find who has done this-SHOW NO MERCY!  What animal, monster, sociopath would think this is okay?!  I hate him/her/them, whatever.  I hate them.  Hate them and they should all die.

And then…

In no particular order.  Just from the randomness that is my head: I love this World.  I love the inhabitants.  I love The United States of America.  I have faith in humanity.  I have faith in our common goal to live a free and happy life.  I love the helpers.  I love our animals.  I love nature.  I love Martin Luther King Jr.  I love President Obama.  I love my blog as it is my outlet.  I love my husband.  I love my garden.  I love my seedlings.  I love the sun.  I love the moon.  I love the fresh, crisp air.  I love sandy toes.  I love the stars.  I love hot showers.  I love writing.  I love romance.  I love love.  I love school.  I love reading.  I love making love.  I love my family.  I love my friends.  I love the smell of gardenia’s, ginger flowers, tuberose’s and jasmine.  I love fresh citrus.  I love that first moment when you enter a very hot spa.  I love howling at the moon.  I love eating tomatoes off the vine.  I love Ben and Jerry’s Coffee Toffee ice cream.  I love the thrill of riding on the back of a motorcycle.  I love the ocean.  I love dolphins.  I love the Santa Ana winds.  I love rain.  I love swimming.

Most of all, I love our children.  For them I turn my fear, my anger, my terror – into love.  I will seek the helpers, I will be a helper and most importantly I will teach my children to be the helpers.

I love you.

All images plucked from www.pinterest.com

Mindfulness and a Belly Full of Gratitude

I am mindful when I am in my warm home.  I am aware that my refrigerator and pantry are stocked full of food.  Electricity and water are current.  I see my boys clean from the prior nights bath, knowing that they were scrubbed with organic products.  Hair combed nicely, teeth brushed with a good floss.  I see the plethora of books in each of their bookshelves.  Knowing that they are used, several times a day.  Either them or I reading, yet heard by all.  A playroom endlessly full of toys.  I see the vast wood piles still stacked high, although we have had fires nearly every day and night.  I see a house that is lived in, yet clean.  Free of clutter and full of nice products.  I am blessed with getting to take a nice hot shower every night.  Stepping out onto soft, clean towels, using lovely lotion reminiscent of Hawaii.  I see the smiling faces that inhabit this home.  Everyone’s needs are met.

I refuse to take for granted what I have.  There are those that are much less fortunate.  Yet the absurdity that, after I all I have, I still dream of hardwood floors, granite countertops and furniture I am continually eyeing from Pottery Barn.  All I can say is that I am human.  I get caught up.  When I bring my thoughts back home, to a more mindful place, I am instantly reminded that what I have is all I need.

I am reminded constantly by news stories that there are 5-year-old children who have to dress and feed themselves.  With no moral support.  Books are of a rarity.  A stocked pantry is what dreams are made of.  A loving embrace from a parent is all they yearn for.

There are young women brutally harmed because they were born women.

There are whole societies who wonder when and where they can achieve clean water.

There are young men, pushed to fight without choice, for a cause they have yet to understand.

There are so many other brutal stories out there.  Some that haunt me for months.  Some years.

I am not sure if it is my sensitivity level, or lack of a personal shield.  Nevertheless, I feel their pain.

The gut wrenching stories are nearly overwhelming.  As I lay down on my freshly laundered, organic cotton sheets and start to fall asleep to my iPhone’s meditation app, still warm from the hot shower I had just taken, I remember.  I remember always with that constant wonder…..what can I do?  How can this one person, who has no extra money to donate, make a difference?

If I had the knowledge and passion as I do now-that a world exists outside of my ego when I was in my late teens to early twenties-I am sure that I would have chosen a different path than that of which I am on.  I have to trust that for some reason I am on this immobile path.  That instead of worrying constantly of people and situations I have no control over, I need to focus my energies on my primary purpose: raising two humans to be as sympathetic and compassionate as I hope to be.  That is my primary purpose, and because of that….I turn off the news and bypass the headlines that read “Screaming Toddler Found Locked in a Cage, Dad Arrested.”

There is a thought.  May be controversial, but it is there.  I grasp on to it like there is no other choice because it is the only thing that makes the dull ache in my gut subside.  There is a thought that we pick and choose who our parents and situations will be well before conception.  That we are all on this earth, in our own specific circumstances for a reason.  To learn a lesson we may have not learned so well in our prior lifetime.  Instead of pushing my thoughts and actions onto others (unless I see true harm done to a child), I need to trust in the Universe or some higher power that all is where it is supposed to be.  Helping where appropriate.

The best way to find yourself is to lose yourself in the service of others. ~Gandhi

I will do as much as I can, while still pouring my heart into my primary purpose, which is to parent.  I parent by example.  I confess when I make a mistake.  I make amends to my children when necessary.  I forgive my children always.  I never let a day go by without telling my children how happy I am that they are here.  What wonderful humans they are.  That no matter what “Mama loves you”.  The communication is abundant.  I never want to assume they know.

Wherever I am supposed to be, I will be.  That starts right here.  What can I do right now to make this world a better place?  For starters, it is getting off my laptop and reading a book with my kids.

Gratitude and mindfulness, they are the driving forces behind my knowing smile.

All pictures pleasantly plucked from Bing Images.